Don't Rescue Your Children

Hi Friends,
I've been silent for most of this month due to a heavy travel schedule. Much of it was family-related rather than work-related and I treasure the time I was able to spend with parents, brothers, an aunt and uncle, and cousins. One thing I know about working from home: it will consume us if we let it. If you haven't been able to take some vacation time this summer, I hope you'll open your calendar and find a few free days that you can spend investing in your relationships.

Speaking of relationships, I was quoted in an article in the San Francisco Chronicle about working at home with kids. I thought I'd share the link with you. The article is about why we should not rescue our kids when they make a mistake. My comments are specific to moms who work from home and how we sometimes take on the burden of making everyone happy since we're available to our kids almost 24/7.

Here's what I said:

Our zeal may also be an outgrowth of something a little less benign. Moms stumble when they start looking at the happiness of their family as a measure of their own success, contends Mary M. Byers, author of The Mother Load: How to Meet Your Own Needs While Caring for Your Family. "Many women mistakenly believe that if everyone in the family isn't happy, then they are failing in their jobs as mothers," she says. This is perhaps nowhere truer than for women who have given up jobs they enjoyed in order to stay home with their kids. They've done what they feel is the right thing for their family, so everyone had better be happy.

It's a noble but tricky sacrifice. Women may attempt to sublimate the grief they feel about the loss of their old, more independent life by trying to achieve the impossible: happiness for all of the kids (not to mention the husband), all of the time. And this self-interested selflessness can carry a very high price -- for both mother and child.

The author of the article interviewed several others as well, and their comments are thought-provoking and worth reading. If you're interested, you'll find the article here: http://tinyurl.com/ksz9es. Please feel free to pass it along to friends and family and to Tweet it if you Twitter. This is a message that needs to get out: we do our children a disservice when we don't let them experience natural consequences when they make a mistake or fall short.

I'm back in the saddle now and looking forwarding to connecting with you more often. You'll see that we've enabled the comment box. I hope you'll use it to share what you're thinking. And, I'd like to answer your questions so that this blog is as helpful as possible to you.

Would you take a minute and share a question with me? I'll answer it for the benefit of all my readers. I look forward to hearing from you!

Creating Boundaries

Jane wrote, "I find it difficult trying to balance work and home. Since I am at home, all the normal jobs still fall in my lap. My time is so chopped up that it is frustrating. I am hoping to find some helpful advice in your book."

Mary's response: I believe you will find help in the book, Jane. In fact, one whole section is devoted to "Saving Your Sanity," which includes tips for facing a work day that is chopped up and filled with interruptions. Here are a few ideas to help as you're waiting for the book.

• Set office hours if you can. This has gotten easier for me as my children age. It's been especially helpful for me this summer. Knowing I'll be in the office from 8-11 gives me the peace of mind that I need since I know some work will actually get done! And my kids know they need to keep themselves busy while I work.
• Use child care as necessary. I used to hire neighborhood babysitters to come to my home and play with my kids for a couple of hours at a time, a few days a week. This way I knew I'd get uninterrupted time to work which made it less frustrating on the days when my work was chopped into little pieces.
• Ask for help. I'm lousy at this because it's just easier to do everything myself. But my kids have been great this summer helping launder towels, fold clothes, empty the dishwasher, etc. I know that I gain time in my work day when I don't have to do everything myself. Even young children can help with small chores of their own.
• Chunk your work. I've found that it's helpful to chunk my work, i.e. do similar things at the same time. Sometimes this means getting up early, reporting to my office, getting my paid work done first, then turning my attention to household chores. And sometimes, honestly, it means getting my paid work done and putting the chores off for another day. This isn't ideal, but I've recognized that some days I simply have to choose between work and home. Some days work wins out and some days home does. It helps to take a big-picture view of integrating home and work rather than beating yourself up because a chore didn't get done today. As Scarlett O'Hara said, "Tomorrow is another day."

Chunkfully Yours,